I Get E-mails…

From the President! Of the United States! Of America!

Friend —

This evening, at 11:15 p.m., [Saturday, 11/7/09] the House of Representatives voted to pass their health insurance reform bill. Despite countless attempts over nearly a century, no chamber of Congress has ever before passed comprehensive health reform. This is history.

But you and millions of your fellow Organizing for America supporters didn’t just witness history tonight — you helped make it… You spoke up. And you were heard.

I beg to differ, Mr. President. About that being heard part, specifically.

How can I put this succinctly?

Oh, I know!

The Stupak Amendment stinks.

I’m tired of women’s reproductive health care rights being thrown under the bus. And I am not alone in this weariness. I also know that chipping away at abortion rights will not get rid of abortion. Ever. It will just make it unsafe. And that means women will die. And that is some fucked up shit.

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW, MR. PRESIDENT?!

Why Denis Leary Sucks, Part Two

Madam is assigning some homework, respectfully requesting that you read “Why Denis Leary Sucks, Part One” (below) before attempting this highly-advanced analysis of the “edgy” comedian’s latest work. Tee-hee.

Give Me The Keys: You are too fucked up to drive.

While Madam is no fan of biological determinism (as its primary purpose seems to be propping up “boys will be boys” bullhockey), she is beginning to wonder if maybe the Men who keep trotting out that tired old saw about how they cannot think about anything other than sex (and sports, and boobs and more sex) might just be onto something.

What, you ask, could possibly cause Madam to speculate that maybe men are just shitty assholes, biologically determined to do little more than pass on their crappy seed whilst blowing shit up and killing each other, due to all that raging testosterone?

Her response: Why, the most recent political sex scandals, brought to you this time by the Republican Party, silly! It seems that two more holier-than-thou My Marriage Will Be Destroyed if The Gays Are Allowed to Wed Conservatives have admitted to putting their penises where they most certainly did not belong – if one truly believes in the Holy Sanctimony of Marriage – i.e. into women who are not their wives.

In other words, concerning all the antifeminist yahoos out there who actually believe that men and women are so vastly biologically different – in terms of temperament and expectations of behavior – well, the only conclusion Madam can reach is one with which these same folks should agree: Men shouldn’t be in charge of anything, ever, with the possible exceptions of lawn maintenance and making babies with as many ladies as possible. Period. So let it be written, so let it be done.

Why Denis Leary Sucks, Part One

Madam spent one of her college years commuting via rail between the Killjoy Homestead in “Upstate” New York and Manhattan, and during this time she spent many hours on the train reading a variety of assigned text books. On the last day of spring semester, she treated herself by purchasing several books to read for pleasure that summer. “Watership Down” was one of them. “No Cure for Cancer” by Denis Leary was another. It was a short book, so Madam decided to begin reading it that very evening, on her final commute home.

Much to the displeasure of her fellow travelers, Madam found the book to be hilarious, causing her to guffaw loudly and often, as she wiped tears from her face and tried, for decorum’s sake, to control herself. Yes, Denis Leary almost made Madam piss herself in public.