I laughed; I cried; I pissed my pants, curled up in a fetal position and screamed for my mommy! Then I did another bong hit.

Seriously, WTF?!

What fucked-up focus group /ad agency gave this weird-ass shit a thumbs up? “Yes, we, the voters, are sheep, and portraying us as such will surely be a successful tactic to secure our votes” AND “Why, yes, I have taken acid and had some scary-ass hallucinations concerning demonic sheep”?!

Anyway, I know what this year’s Halloween costume will be. Assuming I can procure me some laser eyes and a fuzzy, tan Slankette, or Snuggie, or whatever the PC folks are calling blonde fake fleecy robe-wear these days.

I am a thinking, rational, human adult, not an incubator. I know what is best for my body. Not that it is any of your business.

Trust me.

Google the name of Dr. George Tiller’s assassin and the fourth result is “scott roeder hero”.

Hero? How about terrorist?

Terrorism is defined in the Code of Federal Regulations as

“…the unlawful use of force and violence against persons or property to intimidate or coerce a government, the civilian population, or any segment thereof, in furtherance of political or social objectives.” (28 C.F.R. Section 0.85)

The FBI further describes terrorism as either domestic or international, depending on the origin, base, and objectives of the terrorist organization. For the purpose of this report, the FBI uses the following definitions of terrorism:

Domestic terrorism refers to activities that involve acts dangerous to human life that are a violation of the criminal laws of the United States or of any state; appear to be intended to intimidate or coerce a civilian population; to influence the policy of a government by mass destruction, assassination, or kidnapping; and occur primarily within the territorial jurisdiction of the United States. [18 U.S.C. § 2331(5)]

Why this man is not being tried in Federal court (not to mention being allowed to pursue this pathetic defense) is beyond Madam.

* emphasis added

Madam respectfully asks her three readers to visit Pandagon and help in the effort to repeal the Hyde Amendment.

Frank Rich has a most excellent piece on why our favorite almost-one-term governor is, unfortunately for Madam’s sanity, still relevant.

I told you I hated to say it.

Friend –

This evening, at 11:15 p.m., [Saturday, 11/7/09] the House of Representatives voted to pass their health insurance reform bill. Despite countless attempts over nearly a century, no chamber of Congress has ever before passed comprehensive health reform. This is history.

But you and millions of your fellow Organizing for America supporters didn’t just witness history tonight — you helped make it… You spoke up. And you were heard.

I beg to differ, Mr. President. About that being heard part, specifically.

How can I put this succinctly?

Oh, I know!

The Stupak Amendment stinks.

I’m tired of women’s reproductive health care rights being thrown under the bus. And I am not alone in this weariness. I also know that chipping away at abortion rights will not get rid of abortion. Ever. It will just make it unsafe. And that means women will die. And that is some fucked up shit.

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW, MR. PRESIDENT?!

While we find ourselves most puzzled by the recent and abrupt decision of Sarah Palin to resign her “title” as Governor of Alaska because being a lame duck is so lame, and being a dead fish is so… stinky, we are not surprised in the least to learn that Sarah herself penned her resignation speech.

By the way, have you read this crazy-pants shit, otherwise known as the actaul transcript as released by Palin’s office? Some excerpts, after the jump…

“Hi, Alaska.”

Well, hello, Sarah. I’m actually in the lower 48, and about to leave the Mansion to attend some Independence Day festivities… Oh, right, nice timing *wink*

“I appreciate speaking directly TO you, the people I serve, as your Governor.”

Umm. What’s up with the shouting? And why, specifically, would you need to emphasize the word ‘TO’? (Keep in mind, folks, this is the WRITTEN version of her resignation speech.)

“People who know me know that besides faith and family, nothing’s more important to me than our beloved Alaska.

Alaska’s mission – to contribute to America. We’re strategic IN the world as the air crossroads OF the world, as a gatekeeper of the continent.”

So you’re super-committed TO Alaska and ITS strategic, gate-keeping mission, such as.

“If I have learned one thing: LIFE is about choices!”

Unless that choice involves other women’s uteri, amiright folks?

“Our destiny to be reached by responsibly developing our natural resources. This land, blessed with clean air, water, wildlife, minerals, AND oil and gas.”

Dear Sarah: sentences REQUIRE verbs.

“So to serve the state is a humbling responsibility, because I know in my soul that Alaska is of such import, for America’s security, in our very volatile world. And you know me by now, I promised even four years ago to show MY independence… no more conventional ‘politics as usual’.”

No, you promised THREE years ago… eh, fuck, forget it.

Personally, our favorite part of this Churchillian effort is the single sub-head at the turning point of the speech, and I quote, including the punctuation:

*((Gotta put First Things First))*

You betcha!

This rah-rah-you-go-girl parenthetical note proceeds our second-favorite part of the speech, wherein – after NOT offering an actual reason for resigning – Palin claims she has already explained why she is resigning, while simultaneously reciting the wisdom expressed by one of her mom’s refrigerator magnets (well, let’s hope it’s on a magnet, and not actually scrawled on the appliance):

“I’ve explained why… though I think of the saying on my parents’ refrigerator that says ‘Don’t explain: your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe you anyway.’”

Or, everyone will just be left baffled by the word salad shooter that is your mouth.

::wipes lettuce from forehead::

It is my humble opinion that this batshit crazy quitter won’t quit the public spotlight, no more than the “news” networks will quit Michael Jackson any time soon. She’s just getting ready for her close up. If I am right – and I pray I am not – perhaps we can at least hope that in addition to brushing up on the very basics (such as the lack of a “Department of Law” at the White House) some grammar lessons are in the works.

One can dream, can’t she?

Madam is assigning some homework, respectfully requesting that you read “Why Denis Leary Sucks, Part One” (below) before attempting this highly-advanced analysis of the “edgy” comedian’s latest work. Tee-hee.

You know what really sucks about Denis Leary’s most recently published harangue? I don’t think he means (most of) it. I really don’t. Which, once again, brings up the question of laziness. But before we go there, let’s consider the following:

1) Throughout his book, Leary has no problem declaring and demonstrating his obvious love, and lust, for his wife and mother of his two children, whom he also seems to truly adore (a son and a daughter). He is a Family Man. Denis Leary is a Family Man Who Loves His Fucking Family! Get it?!

2) He also has no problem asserting that should his (or any other heterosexual man’s) wife die, said man will “be very, very sad, for a long, long time. Like three weeks.”

And after said three-week mourning period? Your grieving husband will meet a hottie who is willing to put out, and all will be right with the world! Because that’s the way God made Dudes, you see, to be nothing more than “Big, Hungry, Horny, Simple Guys.”

Really, Denis? You may think this weak-ass “joke” will make some of your half-witted fans chortle (and you would be right) because they are Manly Men, like the Manly Man you play on the telly. But, honestly, I don’t think even you buy what you are selling anymore. I think you’d be fucking devastated if your wife died. And rightly so; she sounds like a cool chick.

“But it’s funny!”

No, it’s not. In fact, it’s fucking boring. It’s also insulting. Leary might as well just come out and say “my beautiful, wonderful, patient wife is little more than a hole in which I am allowed to stick My Awesome and Almighty Penis.”

***

One of the things I like about Denis Leary’s books is how they read just like his stand-up comedy act would sound. You can really “hear” Leary’s voice in this book, which is awesome.

Until he spends six pages commenting on how us Ladyfolk talk too much.

Denis, darling, as a Man Who Makes His Fucking Living Flapping His Lips, please, for the love of all that is Holy, STOP TALKING about how women “talk too much!” Ya hear me, fella? SHUT YOUR FUCKING PIE HOLE!

As you can see, there are very few things that get under Madam’s skin more than Men Who Are Paid to Talk blathering on (and on) about how women – who are, in most cases, only paid to talk if they pass the Pretty Test – talk too fucking much.

Seriously, Dudes, you doth protest way, way too much.

To be continued…