Sarah Palin Resigns as Governor; Will Not Quit Defiling the English Language

batshit crazy

While we find ourselves most puzzled by the recent and abrupt decision of Sarah Palin to resign her “title” as Governor of Alaska because being a lame duck is so lame, and being a dead fish is so… stinky, we are not surprised in the least to learn that Sarah herself penned her resignation speech.

By the way, have you read this crazy-pants shit, otherwise known as the actaul transcript as released by Palin’s office? Some excerpts, after the jump…

“Hi, Alaska.”

Well, hello, Sarah. I’m actually in the lower 48, and about to leave the Mansion to attend some Independence Day festivities… Oh, right, nice timing *wink*

“I appreciate speaking directly TO you, the people I serve, as your Governor.”

Umm. What’s up with the shouting? And why, specifically, would you need to emphasize the word ‘TO’? (Keep in mind, folks, this is the WRITTEN version of her resignation speech.)

“People who know me know that besides faith and family, nothing’s more important to me than our beloved Alaska.

Alaska’s mission – to contribute to America. We’re strategic IN the world as the air crossroads OF the world, as a gatekeeper of the continent.”

So you’re super-committed TO Alaska and ITS strategic, gate-keeping mission, such as.

“If I have learned one thing: LIFE is about choices!”

Unless that choice involves other women’s uteri, amiright folks?

“Our destiny to be reached by responsibly developing our natural resources. This land, blessed with clean air, water, wildlife, minerals, AND oil and gas.”

Dear Sarah: sentences REQUIRE verbs.

“So to serve the state is a humbling responsibility, because I know in my soul that Alaska is of such import, for America’s security, in our very volatile world. And you know me by now, I promised even four years ago to show MY independence… no more conventional ‘politics as usual’.”

No, you promised THREE years ago… eh, fuck, forget it.

Personally, our favorite part of this Churchillian effort is the single sub-head at the turning point of the speech, and I quote, including the punctuation:

*((Gotta put First Things First))*

You betcha!

This rah-rah-you-go-girl parenthetical note proceeds our second-favorite part of the speech, wherein – after NOT offering an actual reason for resigning – Palin claims she has already explained why she is resigning, while simultaneously reciting the wisdom expressed by one of her mom’s refrigerator magnets (well, let’s hope it’s on a magnet, and not actually scrawled on the appliance):

“I’ve explained why… though I think of the saying on my parents’ refrigerator that says ‘Don’t explain: your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe you anyway.'”

Or, everyone will just be left baffled by the word salad shooter that is your mouth.

::wipes lettuce from forehead::

It is my humble opinion that this batshit crazy quitter won’t quit the public spotlight, no more than the “news” networks will quit Michael Jackson any time soon. She’s just getting ready for her close up. If I am right – and I pray I am not – perhaps we can at least hope that in addition to brushing up on the very basics (such as the lack of a “Department of Law” at the White House) some grammar lessons are in the works.

One can dream, can’t she?

Published in: on July 8, 2009 at 20:27  Comments (3)  

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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Her constant assault on the English language is… painful. So far, my favorite bon-mot is the fact that she is trying to change the meaning of the word “quit” itself — when you QUIT your job you are a QUITTER. Words mean things! They do, they really do!

    But I suspect that you are right: She hasn’t really “quit” — not the part of her job that she actually likes, which is being in the spotlight.

    Oy, my head. Such a culture that can produce one such as her!

    • RESIGNING doesn’t mean “quitting,” it means PASSING THE BALL at a Crucial Moment for (* VICTORY*)!

      She makes my head hurt, too. Reading her words is actually worse than hearing them. But people love her. And she loves the attention. And I hate to say that about a female politician, even though it’s obviously true for most (all?) politicians.

      My husband was feeling sorry for Palin the other night, and while I agreed on some levels, it kind of boils down to “get out of the kitchen if you can’t stand the heat,” at least for me. I think it is anti-feminist to support a woman simply because she has a vagina. Palin didn’t have to run. I have been asked to run for local office on three occasions, twice by Democrats and once by Republicans, with likely (small town) support from both parties, as they were eager to unseat certain people. I seriously mulled over these offers and ultimately turned them down, because I didn’t want the exposure, even within our very limited local media.

      I long for the days when I wasn’t consumed with an odd sort of feminist guilt about this woman. I hate the way she is often treated, but she should also, obviously, not be above criticism. She makes me shake my fist at the sky!

  2. […] Hates to Say It… But she told you so. Frank Rich has an excellent piece on why our favorite almost-one-term governor is, unfortunately […]

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